Respecting difference – peace and good will to all!

Image by Magnascan from Pixabay

As the holiday season fast approaches, I am reminded of the messages in Christmas carols that hold meaning not just for this time of year but all year round whether we have religious beliefs or not, messages of peace, goodwill, glad tidings and joy. Sadly, with the recent general election in the UK as well as other causes of differences of opinion in the world, it seems that we can too readily become entrenched in our own views and see anyone with views different to this as ‘other’ and therefore a threat.. .at least that’s how it appears following various social media threads. At this point, thoughts of peace and good will seem to go out of the window!

So how can we help ourselves to be more accepting of others and their views, treating them respectfully?

We can start by recognising that a difference in opinion does not necessarily mean that we have nothing in common. In fact, beneath any bubbling anger and fear, we have the same human needs which include security, understanding, connection, esteem and identity, autonomy and significance.

We can also refine our ability to listen to others. If we listen to understand rather than listening to find a space to interrupt and convince, we will be in a better place to be open minded in our thinking. Such open-mindedness also requires us to be treated well by others as we speak.

The best opportunity to think well with two or more people is when the ten components of Nancy Kline’s Thinking Environment are present. Five of these which seem particularly relevant to supporting us to respect difference include Attention (listening with palpable respect and genuine interest, and without interruption), Equality (treating each other as thinking peers – whatever other differences we have, we are equal as thinkers), Encouragement (giving courage to go to the cutting edge of ideas by moving beyond internal competition), Diversity (welcoming divergent thinking and diverse group identities) and Incisive Questions™ (removing assumptions that limit our ability to think for ourselves clearly and creatively).

At a societal level, there are institutionalised assumptions about different groups that are untrue but lived as true. Untrue assumptions made by others, often not consciously recognised, are a real threat to our ability to feel respected and to think for ourselves. I feel uncomfortable writing all of these down but feel that they need to be seen for us to recognise that these untrue assumptions DO exist: ‘Women are weak’, ‘real men should not feel deeply’, ‘LGBTQI people are not normal, ‘Muslims are violent’, ‘People with invisible disabilities are just trying it on’, etc. Some of us may have experienced behaviour that stems from assumptions like these.

As Nancy Kline indicates we cannot think for ourselves until we can think as ourselves. And to think as ourselves, we must feel accepted and respected for all of our group identities.

Image by Mustafa shehadeh from Pixabay

Improving our own awareness

If we work in teams, we can improve empathy and connection through openly sharing to understand how our team colleagues see themselves, the ‘groups’ they belong to, and the concerns this may give them. There is a process which removes team identity limiting assumptions by firstly bringing them into awareness. The power of the process is that we end up claiming greater pride in who we are and the rest of the team begin to change their attitudes without even realising it – the process is a subtle one. As a Certified Time to Think^TM Facilitator I have used this process with teams and have seen new levels of connection and understanding bringing people closer together as well as improving thinking and listening.

Even without tackling this issue as a team, you can make a start personally by reflecting on the ‘groups’ that you belong to and breaking the power of untrue assumptions that others may hold about them. If you’d like to try this, take some time to answer the questions below:

1. What are the groups that are part of my identity and about which society makes assumptions that can be limiting for the group? [Be aware that typically there are at least 22 identifying groups for most individuals.]
2. Of those groups mentioned or any others that spring to mind, which is the one that most stands out for you today?
3. What does the world/society or pockets of society assume about that group that can be limiting for the individual and the group? Write down as ‘The world assumes about [insert group description here] that WE’ .. and then list all the assumptions that would finish that sentence.
4. Of those assumptions, or any others that spring to mind, which, do you think, is the one most limiting?
5. While it might be the case that some parts of the world or society think this assumption is true of the group, do you think that the assumption is inherently true of that group? What are your reasons for thinking as you do?
6. If that assumption is not true, what are your words for what is a true and liberating alternative instead?
7. If you knew that [insert liberating assumption] what would change for you.

I have found this a helpful exercise to do with a trusted colleague or ‘Thinking partner’. I would love to hear about your experience of using it.

In the meantime, wishing you peace, goodwill, glad tidings and joy!