In last month’s blog I shared some tips on how to adapt perfectionist tendencies so that they work for you rather than against you. I focused on thinking errors and what you can do to correct these and find perspective. In this month’s blog I focus on how you can practice overcoming behaviours common to perfectionists. If you think this could help you, or someone you know, read on.
What types of behaviours can perfectionists be prone to?
Perfectionism behaviours can be divided into two categories – the things you do as a result of your perfectionism and the things you avoid doing as a result of your perfectionism. Before reading on, consider your own behaviour… where do you see behaviours that are perhaps unhelpful to you, even if they do help you maintain your perfectionist standards?
Do you recognise any of the below?
- Avoidance – for example, situations where you fear things may not work out perfectly
- Procrastination – for example, not submitting a piece of work because you think it could be better or you fear the response you will get
- Excessive repetition – for example, repeatedly checking a written document for mistakes
- Over preparation – for example, taking a day to prepare for a 5 minute presentation
So how can you address these behaviours in a way that enables you to maintain good standards?
One way is to consider facing your fears of not being perfect through exposing yourself to them but in a controlled and gradual way. Exposure involves gradually and repeatedly stepping into situations that would normally make you anxious because of a risk of not being perfect until you feel less anxious. Common concerns in doing this include that it will make your anxiety worse whereas, in fact, after a while, your anxiety will lessen. Two important tips to help include (a) to start small and (b) to repeatedly practice.
If you’d like to use this exposure technique, follow the steps below:
(1) Make a list – make a list of the different situations that bring out your perfectionist behaviours. Reflect on what it is about these situations that drive these behaviours. Are particular people involved for example?
(2) Rank the list – this step aims to help you identify which situations might be easiest to address or change your behaviour in and which might be hardest. It can help to use 2-3 words to summarise each situation on a post-it and then put them vertically in order with the bottom one being the easiest to address and the top being the hardest.
(3) Create an exposure ladder – do this for the situation at the bottom of your ranked list. To make your exposure ladder, write your goal at the top and then consider different actions you could take for each rung of the ladder that will help you to reach that goal over time. I’ll share an example below to help you see what type of actions are appropriate. The ladder needs to include some rungs that you can do now with mild anxiety, those that you could do now with moderate anxiety and some that you would see as being too difficult to do now. In the example below, imagine that I avoid giving presentations in meetings because I believe I will make mistakes and not do a good job. My goal is to give a prepared presentation during a team meeting and be able to answer questions. You can see that I’ve created a number of steps that will build up to being able to face the ultimate goal and overcome my anxiety.
(4) Climb your ladder – starting with the lowest rung activity, repeatedly engage in that activity until you start to feel less anxious doing it. If you stay in a situation long enough (or continue engaging in a specific activity), your anxiety will start to reduce. This is because anxiety takes a lot of energy and at some point it “runs out of steam”. The longer you face something, the more you get used to it and the less anxious you will feel when you face it again. Once you are able to enter a specific situation on several separate occasions without experiencing much anxiety you can move on to the next thing on the list.
Be mindful that exposure steps should be planned, prolonged and repeated. Go at a pace that you can manage – don’t rush. Once you’ve climbed your ladder, don’t store it away and forget about it – even if you have become comfortable doing something, it’s important to keep exposing yourself to it from time to time, so your anxieties don’t creep back.
Do remember to reward yourself for progress made. You are not supposed to be able to get this right first time but as you climb your ladder, find ways to mark your success with something simple but enjoyable from a new book to a meal out to a cinema trip.
Once you’ve climbed one ladder, you can take a look at your original list of situations and tackle the next one, following the exposure technique again.
I’d love to hear what you’re working on and the progress you are making. Remember to treat yourself kindly – you are not supposed to be perfect when addressing your perfectionism!
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