A teacher once wrote in my primary school report that I would never get anywhere if I didn’t stop worrying and being a perfectionist. Or words to that effect. I can still remember how deeply hurtful it felt at the time. I think she meant well. I hope she did. I was just trying to do my best.
I sometimes ran home from school in tears because I was so worried about a weekly spelling test. I would make myself ill through anxiety. That comment didn’t help. It reinforced the way that I had started to think about myself.
Perhaps not surprisingly, I began to label myself as anxious and a worrier. It became part of me. Once I had that label, it gave me permission to resort to a flight response whenever I felt the possibility of failure. It was as if the label explained everything. It justified the panic. It excused the avoidance.
I can remember one moment at university when this I talked myself into a faint rather than take part in a group presentation. I was so overwhelmed by the fear of getting it wrong, of not being perfect, that my body found a way to help me avoid that happening. Looking back, it was a clear example of how tightly I was holding on to that old version of myself. The worrier.
Over time, I managed to change. In my 30s, though self reflection and the support of my own coach, I started to see that the identity I had been carrying for so long didn’t have to be a part of me. I learned to let go of the idea that I was a worrier and instead recognise that sometimes I may feel slightly anxious. That is very different. Feeling anxious is a moment. Being a worrier is an identity. One is information. The other is a constraint stopping me from doing many things.
When I began to treat anxiety as information, I could pause and ask myself what I needed in order to feel more in control and calmer. Sometimes I needed more preparation. Sometimes more information. Often what I needed was to manage my emotions and physiology and face into the issue rather than run from it. I also learned to gain a wider perspective. The challenge in front of me was hardly ever as big as it felt. It was not insurmountable and it would not be the end of the world if I couldn’t resolve it perfectly.
Letting go of that older version of myself took a little time- I had to stop the habit of worrying and build new habits. I change some of my limiting beliefs, and told myself that I was resourceful. Gradually I got better at managing my emotions and thinking which enabled me to step into challenges, learn from them and grow my ability to continue to do so.
We all carry old versions of ourselves. Versions shaped by childhood comments, early experiences, or moments when we felt overwhelmed. Versions that once protected us but now hold us back. Versions that shape what we can or cannot do.
Some reflection questions for you:
- What old version of yourself are you still carrying that is not helpful?
- What labels have you absorbed that no longer reflect who you are or wish to be?
- What might shift if you let go of those labels and stepped into a more resourceful version of yourself?
These are the kinds of questions that create space for a different way of being. They help you step into a version of yourself that feels more capable and more aligned with the life and leadership you want.
If you are an aspiring leader and you can see how you are holding on to an old version of yourself and feeling ready to let go, I’m currently designing a programme that will include a module that will help you with this as it enables you to more fully step into leadership. I’ll be sharing more soon.
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