My father has been ill with Parkinson’s for a little while and sadly passed away at the beginning of this month. My world has changed in a way which is hard to describe. I’m taking the opportunity to use this month’s blog to reflect on the lessons I’ve learned from him about leadership, love and family and hope that something from what I write will resonate with you too.
Dad was born in August 1937 and grew up in the second world war years. An only child, he worked hard and had an aptitude for maths and physics, becoming an engineer. He did this as an apprentice at Westinghouse Brake and Signal company, studying in Bristol over 4 years and working alongside his study. He met my Mum when they were about 4 and 5 as their families lived near to each other. They got married in 1959 at 20 and 21 and celebrated 60 years of marriage last year – an amazing testament to their strong love for each other.
I know that I take after my Dad a fair bit .. we affectionately call it the ‘Franklin gene’ in our family .. whether it was nature or nurture, I have his same focus to the extent of obsession, his conscientiousness to do a job well, and his deep-rooted ethics to do the right thing. I also have the accident-proneness that means that I bang my head on a regular basis as he used to do.
As I reflect on his influence on me and my life, a lot of childhood and teenage memories spring to mind. He helped me to learn that some things take time and require practice by teaching me chess, not going easy on me so that when I eventually did beat him for the first time I really felt I’d earned it.
He also helped me to understand that each choice comes with consequences and that not making a choice is still a choice! When I was in my mid teens I was complaining about being overweight and wanting to be slimmer and fitter. Dad sat on my bed and told me that it was in my hands. I could carry on moaning about it and choosing to do nothing with the attendant consequences or I could take a step to change. For some reason, this really stuck with me. As a result, I don’t ever have regrets. I know that I make choices, they have consequences, and I accept them knowing that I made the best choice that I could at the time with what I knew. This has been particularly helpful in recent years when travelling alongside Dad on his Parkinson’s journey, pushing and fighting for the right support, medication, and care, determined and persistent.
It has also helped me at this difficult time. Although I was with Dad the night before he died, I was not at his bedside when he passed away. I had returned home with a view to taking my Mum in to see Dad. He passed away before we could get there but I know I made the right choice because he would have wanted me to go to Mum.
Dad made an important decision in his late 50s to retire early. He knew it would affect his pension not insignificantly but felt that he needed to retire to look after his own mental health and to spend his time supporting the local community. It also meant that he had more time for his family. He wasn’t to know that the last 6 years of his life, from about the age of 76, would be compromised in terms of quality due to Parkinson’s but his early retirement enabled him to partly make up for this by having this extra time.
His decision influenced me to recognise that, while work is important, it is not everything. I’ve learned from seeing him fight Parkinson’s that it is important to live our life day to day, enjoying the simple pleasures and making time for what is important now, not waiting for a future time.
There are many more things I could share about Dad’s impact on me but perhaps the most meaningful for me right now is the value of letting others know that you appreciate them and that you care. Dad helped us to feel recognised when we did well – for effort as well as results. He told us that he loved us and we in turn did the same. I like to think that I’ve adopted appreciation into my work, formerly as a leader and more latterly as a coach, trainer and facilitator. I’m thankful that I had the opportunity to appreciate him and that the last words I said to him were ‘Love you Dad’. His influence lives on and I will do my best to continue to live my life in a way that would make him proud.
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