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Last month I wrote about the importance of your relationship with your manager. This month, building on this theme, I am exploring the power of building relationship through any of your interactions that support you getting your work done.
We all have preferred ways of working to get things done. For some of us, being focused and efficient is the way to go. For others it is about taking time to interact with others and to build networks. While these may be our preferences, we likely need a bit of both at times in order to be successful. There are very few people who can get their work done without the need to interact with others. Not only is working with others necessary, it is something which most of us need.
Transactional interactions versus relational interactions
With increasing pressures and changes, we can sometimes forget the importance of building a relationship. It can be a case of interacting with someone as quickly as possible with the sole purpose of getting what we need and then getting gone (a transaction). While this may seem efficient in the short term, it doesn’t help to build a relationship for the longer term.
Todd Long provides a good summary to help us to differentiate between transactional interactions and relational interactions – The key aspects of a transactional relationship is that it tends to be about quick interactions, surface communication, a lower level of trust, and a lower level of care about that relationship. A relational, or collaborative, relationship is different – the hallmarks include longer interactions and taking more time, deeper communication, higher trust and higher care.
What are the advantages to us of investing in relationships?
Neuroscience experiments by Paul J. Zak, the founding director of the Center for Neuroeconomics Studies showed that when people intentionally build social connections in the workplace their performance improves. Similarly, a Google study found that those who express interest in and concern for others’ success and personal well-being outperform others in the quality and quantity of their work.
There is a hormone, oxytocin, that readily occurs in couples and other well-bonded groups, including work groups. The trust and sociality that oxytocin enables are deeply embedded in our nature. According to Cindy Thomas writing about the neuroscience of effective collaboration, it is only after recurring positive experiences that oxytocin begins to flow and trust is gained. The chances of a transactional interaction registering as a positive experience are likely lower than that where greater time is taken and deeper communication and care displayed.
Given the above, what can we do to increase our chances of relating with someone for longer term success rather than having a purely transactional interaction?
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Tips to build relationships
(1) CONNECT: Sometimes it just isn’t possible to spend the time that you know is likely needed to really help to build a relationship. Even so, at the very least we can aim to make or build a connection. This takes being present in the moment to observe, notice and pay attention to the person you are with. It can be as simple as noticing a photograph on a desk and asking about it or seeing someone leaving work in sports gear and asking them about their sport. It might be picking up on something you have in common when asking about their weekend. Often, for me, it is finding out that someone is a dog owner that provides an instant connection. A moment like this feels a bit like a mini “aha” moment where both of you smile and communication flows briefly. It’s a human moment, not just a business moment. It’s about being friendly, not just being professional.
(2) MAKE IT WIN-WIN: While you may be interacting with someone because of something you need from them, consider the ways in which you can also provide something to them or support them. When approaching an interaction from a position of mutual-interest rather than self-interest, you are showing greater care and more likely to create a positive interaction for the other person.
(3) THINK PERSON NOT PROCESS: It can be all too easy to jump straight into a process conversation with a co-worker that’s about progressing your issue rather than considering the role of the person you are interacting with in that process. A little empathy can go a long way; putting yourself in their shoes and considering how your need from the conversation will land with them helps you to take time to explore their position, understand context, and ensure that the relationship is more likely stronger from your interaction than weaker.
(4) MEASURE RELATIONSHIP RATHER THAN TRANSACTION: Getting what you want from a transaction but leaving the person with a negative reaction is not success. Success is about resolving conflict rather than winning conflict; it’s about thinking about what success is for you, for the other person and for the relationship. If you don’t know what the other person needs from your interaction, be sure to explore this so that expectations both ways are clear.
Finally, remember that we can’t force a good relationship – it takes time. If you feel a relationship isn’t as strong as you would like it to be, look for ways to ensure further positive interactions between you and the other person. Knowing that oxytocin flow and deepening trust takes recurring positive experiences is encouragement to keep trying.
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