I’ve recently reflected myself on the question that’s the title of this blog. I’ve been dealing with some difficult news, and, as a coach, I want to create a good coaching space for my clients which is focused on them; I needed to know that I could handle my own emotions and create a professional space but what was the right way to do that? In this blog I share my own learning with the intention of providing some food for thought for all leaders facing similar situations.
I’m currently reading the book ‘The Quality of Silence’ by Rosamund Lupton. A phrase from one of her characters, 10 year old Ruby, got me thinking about how it can be tough to be authentic as a leader if it conflicts with something else that you hold dear. When Ruby and her Mum are dealing with potential bad news but her Mum tries to cheer her up with a joke, Ruby says ‘I smile too, but our smiles are just carrier bags, – inside we’re not feeling smiley.’
Is putting on a brave face the right thing to do?
How often might we do the same as leaders? … Carry the weight of something we are feeling deeply within us while trying to put on a brave face to those that we lead or interact with?
Is this the right thing to do given that the benefits of employees perceiving that leadership is authentic include job satisfaction, trust, productivity and can have a positive impact on work-related attitudes and happiness?
The day after receiving the difficult news I had 3 coaching sessions. I wasn’t sure even if I should go ahead with them and my brain tried to work out what was best to do by throwing up thoughts like ‘I can’t let me clients down at short notice’ alongside ‘but is it right to hold a session if I may not be at my best?’ and ‘can I still be at my best – what would it take?’.
When to be vulnerable
Fortunately, as a coach, I have a coaching supervisor that I meet with on a regular basis and she was able to be available for me to explore this with. It’s an opportunity to make sure you are being ethical as a coaching professional. Together we explored the value of being vulnerable with clients and whether this was helpful alongside contracting with the client that they can say if they’d rather not have the session or if they want to stop part way through. As a leader, what would you do in similar situation where you are dealing with something emotional personally but having to conduct a business meeting? What if you were meeting with a customer and couldn’t cancel? Would you tell them what was going on for you before entering into the conversation? Is this ok?
Normally, I’m very comfortable with vulnerability; I believe in role modelling for my clients and am comfortable admitting my fallibility and lessons I’ve learned. My dilemma here was whether I felt it would help my client for me to be vulnerable about what I was dealing with and whether that sat comfortably with me with my wish to be seen as professional. I don’t think there is any one right answer here. I decided to take each client separately and do what felt right at the time. With some, that I’ve known longer and have a deeper level of personal sharing both ways it is easier to share and feels more natural; for others I’ve managed to be in a good place through taking some short, personal reflection time before the session and being particularly mindful of giving them my full attention in the early stages which enables me to be caught up in the session and appropriately present.
My approach – could this help you?
For me, I think the most important thing here is for me to focus on my own awareness of my emotional state day to day, to reflect both before and after sessions for continuous learning, to do what I know puts me into a good place through walking, good nutrition, the best sleep conditions and daily yoga, and within meetings with others to trust my judgment, being flexible as needed.
Have you been in a similar situation? What worked for you? Do you have any advice for others? Please do share.
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