Being confidently you with personal power

Image by Andrew Martin from Pixabay

Do you ever find yourself holding back from saying what you think to people in authority? Have you ever decided against having a conversation because you don’t think your needs are important relative to the other person? Perhaps you’ve known you need to give feedback to a team member but have avoided it? If you’ve answered ‘yes’ to any of these questions, it could be because you aren’t tapping into your personal power which is key to effective communication. Read on to understand more about what personal power is as well as 5 key aspects so that you can better use it day to day. 

What is personal power?

Let’s start by considering some of the more traditional sources of power so that we can contrast with personal power. One source of power is that conferred by roles that come with a job or appointment or birth-right such as parent, manager, teacher, Queen. Another is access to resources e.g. wealth, information, oil, technology. A third is expertise – if you have knowledge or skills that someone else needs then you have a form of power in relation to them. Finally, there is charisma – this relates to the power generated by someone’s personal presence. These types of power tend to be temporary and conferred from outside of ourselves. They are also measured along the lines of a ladder in that we may exert some sort of power over others while at the same time being powerless in other contexts.

Unfortunately, we can make assumptions and hold anxieties based on our relative power to someone else which can result in ineffective communication.

What if we could level out that feeling of power so that we can interact as equals? This is where the concept of personal power comes in. Personal power can be thought of as a power that we hold within us alongside the different types of external power that can come and go in our lives.

The 5 key aspects of personal power

Personal power is fuelled by focusing on balance, honesty, emotional awareness, integrity and equality.

• Balance – how we weigh up our needs against those of others, aiming to act from a balanced position
• Honesty – being truthful to ourselves and others about our needs and our feelings
• Emotional awareness – building from honesty, emotional awareness enables emotional regulation so that we are not hostage to our feelings but able to manage them and interact with others appropriately (e.g. when feeling anger or anxiousness)
• Integrity – this is about being true to our own values and acting accordingly providing a quiet strength from which we can risk disapproval or disagreement.
• Equality – while the traditional forms of power still apply and we have awareness of these, we also recognise that we are equal as human beings.

How to boost your personal power in interactions with others:

In order to develop and use your personal power appropriately, and reap the rewards of effective communication and behaviour with others that result, focus on the following:

1. Balance:
   1. If you tend to dominate with your opinion in discussions, ask yourself if it is better to be right or better to be happy? With that in mind how will you behave?
   2. If you tend to give way so that others’ needs can be met, consider someone you care about and what you would advise them if they were in your position? You’d want them to treat themselves as an equal with the other person and find a way to balance needs.
   3. Try not to be too attached to what others think of you. Aim to retain a measure of independence linked to your factors of honesty and integrity.
2. Honesty:
   1. Honesty can help us to be an equal player in a conversation. Once we are truthful to ourselves about our needs and feelings we are in a better position to express this to others. Practicing stating how you feel (self-disclosure) and what you need before entering into a conversation can help you live your personal power.
   2. Honesty can sometimes take some looking inside yourself to determine what you might be in denial over. We can’t access personal power if we are in denial. Once we can acknowledge something (for example, our role in a conflict situation) we can then act on it. Once acknowledged, ask yourself what you have control over, what can be changed, and what you need to accept.
3. Emotional Awareness:
   1. Firstly, you need to acknowledge what you feel. Then you can determine the cause of the feelings, taking personal responsibility rather than blaming others.
   2. Taking personal responsibility for your feelings can help to dissipate some of the intensity of the feelings so that you can then interact with the other person
4. Integrity – This is about mind, heart and body working in unison. Develop it for example by:
   1. Not pretending to be something you are not
   2. Acknowledging your feelings when they come up rather than denying them
   3. Standing up for your convictions
   4. Leaving a conversation that you don’t feel comfortable with
   5. Saying ‘No’ when you need to even though it feels tough
5. Equality:
   1. Despite any positional, knowledge or resource power differences with someone else, aim to see them as an equal in that you are both human beings
   2. From this standpoint, recognise that you both have something to contribute, you both have the right to be heard, and you both have value. Then act accordingly

It is clear that these 5 factors intertwine and support each other. As you focus on amplifying your personal power, consider which factor most needs your focus and start there. I’d love to hear your experiences.