Do you ever struggle to know how to balance saying what is on your mind for the good of a relationship or team with holding back for fear of upsetting someone or making a situation worse than it is? Is there such a thing as too much candour?
A recent opportunity to facilitate a vibrant, global team meeting enabled me to see a team grappling with this very issue. They were bold and made the most of an independent facilitator to step into some team effectiveness conversations. A toddler making the effort to stand and to walk will many times fall over before successfully taking their first few steps; similarly in the meeting there were times when their candour didn’t always fire perfectly but even then it sparked conversations that let their team gain new understanding and stronger relationships. For individuals in the team, it wasn’t always easy to flex their candour muscle.
If this sounds familiar to you, how can you build your confidence to say what needs to be said trusting that your intentions will be understood and not misconstrued? How can you flex your candour muscle in a way which boosts your team?
My recommendation is to add two more words to candour to create an equation in order to help you in regulating your candour and enabling you to work in a principled way.
Candour = Consideration + Courage
What does this mean in reality?
Consideration:
For me, start with some basic good principles in how to communicate with another person – consideration for me includes positive intent, respect and a reflection on what is going on for the other person and how they could react to what you wish to share.
Taking the time to think about your intention in communicating enables you to check that it is not just for your benefit but for the good of others too. Also, in order to demonstrate respect, what would this take from their perspective, not yours? Finally, if you don’t know what is going on for the other person, is there a way to understand better? A deeper relationship is already a step towards achieving more effective candour.
Courage:
From there, it is helpful to call on your courage overcoming the negative what-ifs by thinking about all the positive what-ifs. What if having the conversation results in a stronger relationship? What if the other person was hoping to have the conversation too but didn’t know where to start?
It can also be useful to realise that choosing not to act is still a choice and with choices come consequences. What if not having the conversation means opportunities go unrealised? What if leaving the conversation unsaid makes the situation worse?
Tap into your own personal values to inform you about what feels right in the situation. If you pride yourself on leaving no stone unturned use this to motivate you.
Courage can be made easier through preparation. While a little adrenalin can help us handle a flight or fight situation, too much will prevent us from being our best as blood diverts away from the brain. Preparation enables us to gain confidence that we can handle the situation and enables us to think more clearly in the moment.
When you are working in a team sometimes preparation for candour is not possible. If this is the case, a quick reminder to think of Consideration and Courage may be enough to ensure that you pitch your comment in a way in which it can be well received. If your team have set groundrules, discussing what candour means to everyone, how respect can be maintained and what the team intentions are in being candid can all support effective candour.
If you are flexing your candour muscle for the first time in your team, let me know how it goes and what you learnt from the experience. If you are already candour-fit, what tips could you provide others?
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